I was just thinking today that there is a total disconnect, at times, between what we tell other parents versus what they really need to hear. For example, today I was privy to a prompt asking “What is something every parent needs to hear?” Only a few people had responded at that time and the responses included:
“You’re doing a good job.”
“You’re enough.”
“You got this.”
Do you want to know what my response was? I responded with:
“I brought you a cocktail.”
Not sure how my response was received by the question-poser or the audience, but I sure got a kick out of it. It also made me feel really good to just be honest — not fake, not idealistic, not proper — just genuine and raw…oh, and funny…because since my family doesn’t think I’m funny, I’m always hoping a group of online strangers will.
Of course, the other responders are right. Of course, it is helpful to me when a supportive onlooker reminds me that “I am enough” as a mother. It feels amazing to be on the receiving end of unexpected encouragement, and being told that “you’re doing a good job”. And, an unsolicited “you got this” when your child is mid-tantrum can do wonders for a mother’s self-esteem.
Yet, I feel as though positive pronouncements aren’t always the most effective, nor are they always genuinely well-received. I will tell you this — I get more support/encouragement/empathy (whatever it is you want to call it) from people when they speak from the heart, when they speak with specifics, and when they make me laugh.
Here is a list of common, thought-to-be supportive comments you may receive as a parent from onlookers or other parents, as well as what I believe some of us prefer to hear instead:
What they say to you: “You’re doing a good job.”
What you would prefer to hear: “It’s okay, we are all fudgin’ this up.”
_________________________
What they say to you: “You’re enough.”
What you would prefer to hear: “You are right — you are a mess. But, you are a beautiful mess!”
_________________________
What they say to you: “You got this.”
What you would prefer to hear: “You might fudge this moment up, but your kid will turn out just fine.”
_________________________
What they say to you: “You are supermom.”
What you would prefer to hear: “I know you are faking it and I admire that.”
_________________________
What they say to you: “Your kids are so well-behaved and well-mannered.”
What you would prefer to hear: “I know your kids are little monsters just like mine, but they are containing their crazy pretty well today.”
_________________________
What they say to you: “How do you do it all?”
What you would prefer to hear: “Oh, you don’t do it all? Neither do I!”
_________________________
What they say to you: “Your house is so clean compared to mine.”
What you would prefer to hear: “Ha! You shove your kids’ toys in the closet and bins just like me!”
_________________________
What they say to you: “You seem so relaxed.”
What you would prefer to hear: “Did you drink wine this morning?”
_________________________
What they say to you: “Your husband and you seem to have such a balanced partnership.”
What you would prefer to hear: “Being married with kids is really freakin’ hard, right?”
_________________________
What they say to you: “It won’t be like this forever.”
What you would prefer to hear: “You will feel like this forever. You are a parent. That is what parenthood is all about.”
So, what do you think? Anyone else with me on this? Anyone else prefer to have more authentic, embarrassing, and at times ridiculous conversations with one another instead of on-the-surface banter?
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HAHAHAHA. When my kid was sick (like, sick with cancer, and he got better!), I wrote a post about what not to say, and at the end I added to things you SHOULD say — things like, “Can I give you more wine?” and “Here are the good tissues with lotion in them.” I am WITH YOU!
Abbi, SO INCREDIBLY GLAD your child got better! I can imagine you desiring more REAL support than the generic, “it’ll be fine!” Thanks so much for commenting! 🙂
Love it !!!
Thank you Laura! 🙂
This is great I love this post. This has cheered me up after my eldest had drove me up the wall. “Your doing the best you can” could be “at least you got through the shop without starting a war”
Thanks so much, Nicki! I am glad you found enjoyment from this post! Thanks so much for commenting!
Such a cute blog! As a mom and grandma at 60 I would add “you ain’t seen nothing yet” wait for teenagers…
Thank you for the kind words, Deedra! Oh, Deedra…I am nervous about the teenage years!!! I have a feeling I am going to have plenty of content to write for at least the next 18 years…LOL! Thanks for taking the time to comment! 🙂
I can’t handle fake on the surface banter, I like people who can be kind, honest, + real!! I don’t do the mum to mum banter too much in the school yard, I find many get caught up in trying to pretend like they a mum of the year. Most of my best friends are kid free because yea #canthandle #mummytalk
Hi, Mel! Thanks for taking the time to comment! I totally get what you are saying…more real talk less daises and rainbows! 🙂
Again, you hit the nail on the head. Honesty is certainly more well received than the vague, fake comments. We are all sinking at times. It’s more helpful to know that others are right there in the think of it bailing water out of their own sinking boat.
Hi, Michelle! Thanks for commenting and I am so glad you found this to be relatable. It sure feels like I am sinking most days, but that is why I am working on improving my ship, so to say, as well as my captain and navigating skills! 🙂