Oh, hey honey, today is your day, did you remember that? I am sure you did because it is something that has to do with you.
Never mind when it was my day last month, and you and the children assumed that “Mother’s Day” was a day to call on me for every single thing you needed (just like every other damn day).
Nope, today is all about you, and you are feeling excited, right?
You are anticipating so much from me, your wife who always has a plan for things.
You believe wholeheartedly that your doting spouse would never forget to spend all my energy making you feel like the king that you are (just as you expect every Monday through Sunday of every week of the year).
Well, you are correct; there is no way I can or would let this day pass without it being an entire celebration of you and your role as our children’s father.
Where I struggled this year was figuring out what do for you and what to get you. Lord knows that I must get AND do something for you, or you may feel slighted and underappreciated.
While a day with minimal gratitude in the form of gifts and relaxation time would give you a small taste of what it is like to be a mother, that’s not the route I wanted to go this year.
This Father’s Day, I am torn between giving you what I believe you want vs. what you deserve.
Here’s a list of the top ten things that I assume you want for Father’s Day:
- Me. And by me, I mean my body. I mean nooky. ‘NOUGH SAID.
- A massage. And not a sixty minute one, but a ninety minute one, and not by me, but by a beautiful and strong masseuse.
- Time to yourself. Ugh, weren’t you by yourself when you went for your massage? Oh, that didn’t count? You want more alone time? Gotcha.
- Well-behaved children. Because you think I have full control over that. Yeah right, buddy.
- Time with “the boys”. Too bad that none of your “boys” are available to hang with you because their wives crack the same whip that I do and have instructed them that Father’s Day is a day to be with your kids and be a…wait for it…wait for it…FATHER.
- Beer. Can’t blame you for this one, but you can only have one if I can have one, too.
- Sports. Of some kind, on the television, surrounded by quiet. Not sure that our three munchkins will allow for more than a ten-minute showing in between episodes of Sofia the First, Wild Kratts, and Vampirina. And, if you happen to decide to prolong your sport-show viewing, I can all but guarantee that you will have to put the subtitles on cause the sibling fighting in the room that will ensue will not be done at a whisper-level.
- Tickets to a show. Because all you really want for Father’s Day is knowing there is a day in your near future where you get to get away from the kids and be an adult for a night.
- A manly gift. The keyword here is “manly”. You will hope for some present that I can give you that will remind you that you are not being controlled and bossed around by your wife or your three children every other day of your life.
- Affection from your children. You’re not cold-hearted, and you do love your kids, so you deserve some positive attention and loving gestures from them to you. Unfortunately for you, this will come in the form of slobbered kisses, choke-hold hugs, and basically just snot getting unintentionally (or let’s be real here, probably intentionally) wiped all over your face and your clothes. It’s the thought that counts though, right?
Here’s a list of the top ten things that you deserve for Father’s Day:
- Me. And by me, I me as a person and you are already blessed enough to have that, so there is nothing more for me to do here. Thank goodness, because my to-do list doesn’t need another bullet.
- A massage. Not one I have to pay for or one that I give you during “special time”. Nope, just a massage of your toes by your kids and maybe a bit of a massage on your back when the kids decide it is fun to walk on it and pretend your body is their balance beam.
- Time to yourself. Yes, you do deserve this; we all do. But see, you already get this when you selfishly take your forty-minute craps which is really you just hiding out in the bathroom pretending to be “going”. Remember, I called b*llshit on your sh*t. Yep. There you have it.
- Well-behaved children. You and I both deserve this and I work tirelessly to make it happen for us. I vow to do my best today (like I always do) to encourage the type of behavior from our children that doesn’t make you want to pull your hair out (because your hair is already receding plenty).
- Time with “the boys”. You can have time with “a boy;” our son — yep, I promised him Daddy/Son time today, so have fun with that!
- Beer. I will stock some cold ones in the fridge but cannot guarantee that I won’t drink one (or many) of your sacred beverages.
- Sports. I can make sure some sports happen today. We will play Tickle Daddy, Jump on Daddy, Chase Daddy, Tag Daddy, and any other game of your choice that involves the children over-touching you and not me.
- Tickets to a show. You’ve got front row seats to greatest circus show on Earth featuring, you guessed it…US!
- A manly gift. I’ll get you something masculine, but it’s probably going to be practical, like a watch; a present that will help you remember to be on time when you are supposed to be somewhere for and with the kids and me. The watch will also be helpful for you to clock your shiitake sessions which take far too long.
- Affection from your children. You can have this — no conditions. You’re welcome.
But, seriously, a quick note to my hubs:
I know how hard you work for yourself, me, and our family. That shiitake doesn’t go unnoticed. I love you more than I love red wine and a late-night snack on a Friday night. I also love you enough to dish out quips and jabs in jest in an attempt to keep us laughing at least another 10 years.
Happy Father’s Day Dads!