Any interested buyers?
So, I had the idea to write a post about my children putting me up for sale — awkward and a little strange, right? Actually, who am I kidding — the more likely scenario is my husband putting me up for sale, because we all know that I drive him bat shi* crazy; and the kids, well, they would not last one second without me to get them milk, wipe their nose, clean up after them, and so on.
Regardless of who would put me up for sale, I do think that I would make a good buy. Sadly though, I wouldn’t be lucky enough to write my own “for sale” description. Nope, not if they had it their way. So, this got me thinking… what would they say about me, how would they describe me?
Here is how I think my description would read if they were pitching me to others:
FOR SALE: Wife/Mom, 31 years old
All reasonable offers accepted. Will sell to highest bidder.
This wife/mom is used, but still beautiful…but really only when she takes the time to shower, dress in real clothes, and brush her hair — which is practically never. All other times she looks a little “wack”, a little under-dressed, and little messy. She is exclusive which is great for you; once she is a part of your family, she will be extremely loyal to you and your children, but she will also smother you with loving words and physical affection. She can be slightly overbearing, schedule-driven, and serious. She comes with occasional random tears and no desire to cook. If you are looking for someone to nag you and your children to death, then she is your lady. You will be super amazed by her uncanny ability to turn simple conversations into long, drawn-out, ridiculous arguments. She goes to bed early, and she knows how to sleep with all of the kids in her bed so that you can get your necessary rest. Listen, this is the woman for you! My children and I are at our wits end, and we must sell this wife/mother ASAP.
Not the most flattering description, right? But, I guess it could be worse. Oh, well!
Now I am going to give you my version of how I would sell me if I had to…
FOR SALE: Gorgeous and Supportive Wife/Selfless and Caring Mom, 31 years young
Only ridiculous high offers accepted. Will sell to the nicest and best looking.
This wife/mom is experienced, but far from used. She is stunningly beautiful; radiating both an inner and outer beauty that is beyond comparison. You’d be better off not judging her based on her looks though, and if you decide to, only let her looks inform you that she cares more about her husband and her children than her appearance. This wife/mom is willing to neglect her own self-care to ensure that those around her are taken care of and are happy. She is a healthy woman and she has her own unique sense of style, which is basically to wear anything and everything that makes her feel good about herself. She wears her heart on her sleeve and works hard to always be compassionate toward others. She is a great planner and she is organized. She enjoys being spontaneous when she plans to be. If you are looking for someone to love you and your children, wholeheartedly, with every ounce of her being, then she is your lady. You will be super amazed by her uncanny ability to be engaging with you, with the kids, and with anyone she encounters. She knows that you need some space and will allow for you to “do you” while she mans the ship and the crew. Listen, this is the woman for you! My children and I are out of our minds and we are crazy to be doing this, but we are selling this wife/mother ASAP.
“No Mom, don’t go!” my son said. “Stay Momma” my daughter said. “Okay, I guess we will keep you” my husband said.
I guess I am off the market. Sorry to have gotten your hopes up.