Every day I tell myself I’m gonna be a better person — a better Mom for damn sure and a better wife because even I, at times, wouldn’t want to be married to me.
Every day I tell myself “today will be different” and “today I will be different”. Yet every day, I make the same mistakes over and over again.
I yell at my kids, I make empty threats, and I don’t validate their feelings. I unintentionally scare them, I expect perfection from them, and I selfishly wish they would behave because that would be easier on me.
Yes, me. Me, who at times is seemingly the only person I care about — at least that’s how it comes off to people; mainly the four others who live in my home.
I ignore my husband’s subtle advances, quickly engage in confrontation with each and every conversation that we have, and I don’t always make sure he feels loved. I take him for granted, I expect too much, and I stupidly elongate the distance between us.
What is my problem? What is the problem with each and every one of us that has high hopes and dreams for ourselves and the person we want to be in this life, yet we stand in our own darn way at every chance we get.
It’s not a lie when I say I want to be a better person. I want that so damn bad in so many ways and I want it not only for myself but for the ones I love. But, I still manage to screw it up each and every day that I decide not to make any of the actionable changes that I read about, talk about, and long to implement.
You know what though? At least I’m not a fake or a phony.
I am a woman who wants to be a better version of herself and if I fall short of being that every single day until the one day that I finally achieve it, it will be time well spent trying.
And really, when I think about how often I read to better myself, or talk about improving, or take one small step — that alone makes me a better person than I was the day before and that’s something that I’m doing that is not a mistake.